“My plans are a jumble for now, but I do know certain things that I will and will not do. [...] I will reach upward. I will attempt to do better. I will not be a burden upon those who have helped me too much already. I will always be grateful for what pleasure I have enjoyed, what joys I have yet to experience. I will take opportunities as they come, but at the same time, I will not trust so easily. I will look at who is at the door before opening it. I will try to be fierce. I will argue when necessary. I will be willing to fight. I will not smile reflexively at every person I see. I will live as a good child of God, and will forgive him each time he claims another of the people I love. I will forgive and attempt to understand his plans for me, and I will not pity myself.”

“ I also know that not everyone will like what I do, and that there are many people who do love my work, and so I write for them, and for my own pleasure, and try not to brood too much over those who have different tastes. And I have written enough books now that I know the self-doubt and the anxiety are part of the creative process, and drive me to keep trying to do better, and keep me from becoming too cocksure about my writing, which is a form of creative death.”

“This is how it works. I love the people in my life, and I do for my friends whatever they need me to do for them, again and again, as many times as is necessary. For example, in your case you always forgot who you are and how much you're loved. So what I do for you as your friend is remind you who you are and tell you how much I love you. And this isn't any kind of burden for me, because I love who you are very much. Every time I remind you, I get to remember with you, which is my pleasure.”

“Do you have a boyfriend?”That was a little too personal, wasn’t it?“I..” I was caught off guard.“Is that a yes, or a no?” He raised an eyebrow in curiosity as he stared deeply into my eyes.If I looked deep enough, I thought, maybe I could find what I was looking for.“No,” I whispered.He put a hand to his ear. “What was that? I didn’t quite hear you?” I had the feeling he had heard it loud and clear, but was messing with me.“No,” I said with one quick look at him and then I lowered my eyes toward the table.He smiled at my response. “Good,” he replied.Was I flirting? Was he?I looked back up to try to understand his answer. “And do you, Mr Kaden?”“Do I what?” He was definitely playing with me now. “Do I have a boyfriend? No. I don’t.”I laughed and couldn’t help but smile in the process.”

“Oh gods... oh gods... I had hurt him... so many times, I had hurt him. By trying to hurt myself, I had hurt him. By trying to push him away, I had hurt him. Every time I opened my mouth and belittled myself with my "turns of rough poetry", I had sliced his heart as fine as my wrists. I did not know why he loved me as he did. I might never know. But as I stood there and held him, my back nagging at me and my leg screaming in protest, I realized that the least I could do was welcome his love with an open heart. And part of doing that was loving myself enough to want to live.”

“Jem—Jem is all the better part of myself. I wouldnot expect you to understand. I owe him this. “I know. I know it. And yet I feel such dread in my heart, as if it were the last hour of mylife. I have felt hopelessness before, Tess, but never such fear. And yet I have known—Ihave always known …”That Jem would die. She did not say it. It was between them, unspoken.“Who am I?” he whispered. “For years I pretended I was other than I was, and then I gloried that I might return to the truth of myself, only to find there is no truth to return to. I was an ordinary child, and then I was a not very good man, and now I do not know how to be either of those things any longer. I do not know what I am, and when Jem is gone, therewill be no one to show me.”