“Consider this a one-thousand horsepower divorce, sweetheart”

“Since I can't turn into a bat and fly, I'll still need my bus pass”

“When you f*** a Vampire, you get a free hat.”

“You can't do that, it makes too much sense.”

“You don't get to be the president of anything if you have bad manners.”

“I hate it when I go into a Snack Shack and they're out of Blue Ice. The other slushie flavors taste like cheap candy.”

“How come they get to be gray-haired and still in love with each other, while Lilly tears out what's left of my heart and dumps it into her Jill-The-Ripper shredder?”