“I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.”

“I wonder if God cries. Or gets sad, even. Or happy. Or elated. Does he ever have a good belly laugh? Does he sense contentment? Does he feel pride or remorse? Is he stoic? We know from the Old Testament that he experiences bloodthirsty, murderous rage and fierce pride. He imbued mankind with all of these emotions, but it's hard to imagine him feeling any of these. It's almost a little embarrassing to think of him feeling jealousy. Of course he's WAY more advanced and evolved than we are. So I guess the ultimate stage of humanity is when we don't laugh or cry or experience emotion at all. God gave us laughter as a constant remind of what lesser-evolved beings humans are. Stupid humans!”

“I guess the lesson to be learned from the [Catholic] church is that while homosexuality is a sin against GOD, molestation and rape, well... they're just sins against a child.”

“Abandoned babies are unfortunate unwanted results of a once urgent desire to have an orgasm”

“I've been coming to this circle for about five years, and measuringit. The diameter and the circumference are constantly changing, butthe radius stays the same. Which brings me to the number 5. There arefive letters in the word Blaine. Now, if you mix up the letters in theword Blaine, mix 'em around, eventually, you'll come up with Nebali.Nebali. The name of a planet in a galaxy way, way, way... way faraway. And another thing. Once you go into that circle, the weathernever changes. It is always 67 degrees with a 40% chance of rain.”

“there's no such thing as a fuck cure. a fuck cure is like the adult version of santa claus”

“I have lived a long life, and I have seen a few things. I walked away from the Last Great Time War. I marked the passing of the Time Lords. I saw the birth of the universe and I watched as time ran out, moment by moment, until nothing remained; no time, no space. Just me. I walked in universes where the laws of physics were devised by the mind of a madman. I watched universes freeze and creations burn. I have seen things you wouldn't believe, I have lost things you will never understand. And I know things, secrets that must never be told, knowledge that must never be spoken. Knowledge that will make parasite gods blaze! So come on then! Take it! Take it all, baby! Have it! You have it all!”