“You can't eat tomatoes because they're tainted with deadly salmonella.First there was tainted lettuce. Now, tainted tomatoes. Who would have thought that the healthiest part of a B.L.T. would be the bacon?”

“Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. ”

“You have Kim Jong Il, and you have his brother, Menta Lee Il.”

“If it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.”

“Going through the motions gives you plenty of time to examine the motions. I used to find this interesting. Now it has taken on the taint of meaninglessness.”

“USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.”

“I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.”