“I’ve known this for awhile, but you can know something for years without it really hitting you. Now it’shitting me.”

“I've known this for a while, but you can know something for years without it really hitting you.”

“awhile, adv.I love the vagueness of words that involve time. 'It took him awhile to come back' -- it could be a matter of minutes or hours, days or years. It is easy for me to say it took me awhile to know. That is about as accurate as I can get. There were sneak previews of knowing, for sure. Instance that made me feel, oh, this could be right, But the moment I shifted from a hope that needed to be proven to a certainty that would be continually challenged? There's no pinpointing that. Perhaps it never happened. Perhaps it happened while I was asleep. Most likely, there's no signal event. There's just the steady accumulation of 'awhile'.”

“It is easy for me to say it took me awhile to know. That is about as accurate as I can get. There were sneak previews of knowing, for sure. Instances that me feel, oh, this could be right. But the moment I shifted from a hope that needed to be proven to a certainty that would be continually challenged? There's no pinpointing that.”

“I never know what you really want, if I can give it to you, or if I’m already too late.”

“catalyst, n.It surprised me — surprises me still — that you were the first one to say it.I was innocent, in a way, expecting those three words to appear boldface with music. But instead, it was such an ordinary moment: The moviewas over, and I stood up to turn off the TV. A few minutes had passed from the end of the final credits, and we’d been sitting there on the couch,your legs over mine, the side of your hand touching the side of my hand. The video stopped and the screen turned blue. “I’ll get it,” I said, and washalfway to the television when you said, “I love you.”I never asked, but I’ll always wonder: What was it about that moment that made you realize it? Or, if you’d known it for awhile, what compelledyou to say it then? It was welcome, so welcome, and in my rush to say that I loved you, too, I left the television on, I let that light bathe us for a littlelonger, as I returned to the couch, to you. We held there for awhile, not really sure what would happen next.”

“Do you really exist?" I blurt out."Not at all," he says with a smile, "I've known that since I was four.”