“Mac knocks on the door. After he updates Spider, he asks, “Do you have your weapon with you?”“Yes, it’s like my American Express card. I never leave home without it.” Mac hears Spider lock and load the weapon. Reassured that Spider is going to be all right, he walks out the front door.”

“It’s my spider, Jeffrey. He’s a tarantula.” “Yes, he certainly seems to be.” “He’s my pet.” “Better you than me. I’m not overly fond of spiders. Too many legs.” “No,” Ernie said simply, “he’s got the right number.”

“The spider literally looks into my eyes and sends me spider telepathy. He says, I'm going to have shiny, gorgeous hair when I kill you.”

“To ask an author who hopes to be a serious writer if his work is autobiographical is like asking a spider where he buys his thread. The spider gets his thread right out of his own guts, and that is where the author gets his writing.”

“SPIDER PIGSPIDER PIGDoes whatever a SPIDER PIG doesCan he swingFrom a webNo he cantHe’s a pigLook ouut!He is a SPIDER PIG!!”

“In my opinion, the only good spider is a dead spider, and women's rights aren't worth dick if they mean I can't ask a man to do my bug squashing.”