“But instead I am applying for a job as an elf. Even worse than applying is the very real possibility that I will not be hired, that I couldn't even find work as an elf. That's when you know you're a failure.”

“Kate felt very offended. 'I am not an elf,' she insisted. 'I'm an Englishwoman!”

“The woman in charge of costuming assigned us our outfits and gave us a lecture on keeping things clean. She held up a calendar and said, "Ladies, you know what this is. Use it. I have scraped enough blood out from the crotches of elf knickers to last me the rest of my life. And don't tell me, 'I don't wear underpants, I'm a dancer.' You're not a dancer. If you were a real dancer you wouldn't be here. You're an elf and you're going to wear panties like an elf.”

“I apply for a new job twice a week, every week. I am applying for the position of millionaire but so far my numbers haven't come up.”

“Not a creature was stirring, not even an elf.”

“You, Stan, are covered with dirt and leaves.''''I just applied for a job as a tree,'' I said. It made so little sense, he didn't even bother responding.”