“With practice I will eventually realize my goal; in the meantime, come to Paris and you will find me, headphones plugged tight in my external audio meatus, walking the quays and whispering, 'Has anything else been inserted into your anus? Has anything else been inserted into your anus?”

“A brick could be used to represent the state of Kansas. Both are flat, both are rectangular, both have tried to insert themselves up my anus, and both failed to penetrate me (though Kansas got pretty close).
”

“God grant me the serenity to accept my goal weight, the courage to resist anything with more than three hundred calories, and the wisdom to check the fat grams before I open my mouth and insert a fork.”

“I was..sorry that you had been in prison camp..""A reassuring sentiment, coming from my wife. Anything else?”

“The best time of my life has been the three instances where I have been there for the birth of my children. That is, nothing [else] has ever come close.”

“Why aren't you at your booth?" "She ran out of bats' testicles and hares' anuses," I piped up."Is it anuses or ani?" Roxy asked in an aside, looking perplexed. "You say octopi, don't you? Shouldn't more than one hare's anus be ani?”