“Words have power, you dumb piece of shit.”

“I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.”

“Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?”

“I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.”

“I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' And I said, 'I am.”

“THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.”

“I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.”