“A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.”

“There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.”

“It's your living room, it's your life, go nuts. You like Home Improvement? Tape it and go over it like it's the Zapruder film.”

“And by the way, my belief is that if men were the ones getting pregnant, abortions would be easier to get than food poisoning in Moscow”

“When I went to college, I lived on campus, and the guys I hung out with made the characters in Revenge of the Nerds look like the Rat Pack in 1962. I, myself made that kid Booger look like Remington Steele.”

“America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.”

“Quote: You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven okay? ”