“And by the way, my belief is that if men were the ones getting pregnant, abortions would be easier to get than food poisoning in Moscow”

“A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.”

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.”

“Jack Kerouac was cool because he had no idea he was.”

“Quote: You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven okay? ”

“When I went to college, I lived on campus, and the guys I hung out with made the characters in Revenge of the Nerds look like the Rat Pack in 1962. I, myself made that kid Booger look like Remington Steele.”

“A developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already has a house in the woods.”