“It's your living room, it's your life, go nuts. You like Home Improvement? Tape it and go over it like it's the Zapruder film.”

“Writing is easy. Writing is hard. It's a breeze and a struggle, just like life.”

“Here's the truth about telling stories with your life. It's going to sound like a great idea, and you're going to get excited about it, and then when it comes time to do the work, you're not going to want to do it. It's like that with writing books, and it's like that with life. People love to have lived a great story, but few people like the work it takes to make it happen. But joy costs pain.”

“When I went to college, I lived on campus, and the guys I hung out with made the characters in Revenge of the Nerds look like the Rat Pack in 1962. I, myself made that kid Booger look like Remington Steele.”

“A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.”

“America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.”

“Quote: You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven okay? ”