“I doubted vampire stuff would work on my disembodied father. He might have been a soulless bastard, but he was not an actual vampire.”

“If every vampire who said he was at The Crucifixion, was actually there, it would have been like Woodstock . . .”

“The two things I look for in a guy is how tall he is and whether or not he's a vampire. Pretty much all my crushes have been one or the other. One guy, actually, was both big and a vampire, but he turned out to be gay.”

“He was obviously dead. But since he was a vampire that wasn't as hopeless a thing as it might have been.”

“I rather like the fact that women are so into vampires though. I suppose if it wasn’t for Sparkly the neighborhood vampire that would not have been possible.”

“I actually thought you would be kind," said the vampire."Go away!" screamed Devnee.He did not answer."I didn't have to be kind," Devnee told him. "Victoria was kind for me."He laughed."No one can be kind for you, my dear," said the vampire. "But I don't mind, of course. I have you now. There's no escape, my dear. You and I, Devnee Fountain, are a team.”