“The chief obstacle to the progress of the human race is the human race. ”

“How often when they find a sage As sweet as Socrates or PlatoThey hand him hemlock for his wageOr bake him like a sweet potato!-Taking the Longer View”

“i have had my ups and downsbut wotthehell wotthehellyesterday sceptres and crownsfried oysters and velvet gownsand today i herd with bumsbut wotthehell wotthehelli wake the world from sleepas i caper and sing and leapwhen i sing my wild free tunewotthehell wotthehellunder the blear eyed mooni am pelted with cast off shoonbut wotthehell wotthehell”

“Not every woman in old slippers can manage to look like Cinderella”

“From 'the lesson of the moth':and before i could argue himout of his philosophyhe went and immolated himselfon a patent cigar lighteri do not agree with himmyself i would rather havehalf the happiness and twicethe longevitybut at the same time i wishthere was something i wantedas badly as he wanted to fry himself”

“i have beenused something fierce in my time buti am no bum sport archyi am a free spirit archy ilook on myself as beingquite a romantic character oh thequeens i have been and the swell feeds i have atea cockroach which you areand a poet which you used to bearchy couldn t understandmy feelings at having comedown to this i havehad bids to elegant feeds where poetsand cockroaches wouldneither one be mentioned without alaugh archy i have hadadventures but ihave never been an adventuress”

“personally my ambition is to get my time as a cockroach shortened for goodbehavior and be promoted to a revenue officerit is not much of a step up but i am humble”