“How to Leave the Planet1. Phone NASA. Their phone number is (713) 483-3111. Explain that it’s very important that you get away as soon as possible.2. If they do not cooperate, phone any friend you may have in the White House—(202) 456-1414—to have a word on your behalf with the guys at NASA.3. If you don’t have any friends in the White House, phone the Kremlin (ask the overseas operator for 0107-095-295-9051). They don’t have any friends there either (at least, none to speak of), but they do seem to have a little influence, so you may as well try.4. If that also fails, phone the Pope for guidance. His telephone number is 011-39-6-6982, and I gather his switchboard is infallible.5. If all these attempts fail, flag down a passing flying saucer and explain that it’s vitally important that you get away before your phone bill arrives.”

“Asking the head I have now to explain its own thinking is as pointless as dialing your own telephone number on your own telephone: Either way, you get an engaged signal. Or your own answer message, if you have that kind of phone system.”

“You have about as much chance of contacting the Universal Mind with a spell from a book as you do of reaching the White House by dialing random numbers into a phone.”

“You ever drive up to the pharmacy window and they ask you, "Can I have your phone number?"Sure all I get on it anymore are political calls, and people doing polls. Maybe it's difficult for people that work at pharmacy drive up windows to get phones.”

“The only thing nicer than a phone that didn't ring all the time (or indeed at all) was six phones that didn't ring all the time (or indeed at all).”

“How'd you get this number?""Well, you see, there's this book. It has white pages. And it has all these phone numbers listed inside it. It's also online.”

“You always sound like you’re coping pretty well on the phone.”“Don’t be fooled. I have to maintain at least some shred of dignity. It’s all a front for you.”