“My mother belonged to that group of low IQ individuals who find everything alarming and believe that raising your voice is the most effective form of communication.”

“It's also at that moment that I realize I am able to maintain the level of judgmentalness that I so cherish only because I have someone in my life who knows me so well and still manages to love me. Isn't that what love is? Knowing someone's life story and not using it against them? OK, maybe it's more like knowing someone's life story, using it against them, and still loving them.”

“Jeff and I signed a Jewish marriage contract, a ketubah, promising to cherish each other in the "way that Jewish men and women had cherished each other through the ages." This probably doesn't refer to King Solomon, who reportedly had 700 hundred wives and 300 concubines but much of the document was written in Hebrew so we really have no idea what we agreed to.”

“Kissing is a means of getting two people so close together that they can’t see anything wrong with each other.” —RENE YASENEK”

“He should not be here, " said the fish in the pot. " he should not be here when your mother is not.”

“(Erica) "Hello? Did you not get the memo? Vampires are hot! Besides, compared to most cities, we barely even have a vampire population. I heard Seattle has like, ten times as many because the sun barely shines up there. We just need to find a man who will pound all those negative thoughts right out of your brain with his big, fat cock!"(Karli) "Ugh, don't remind me I don't have one of those either!" I whined.”

“I think I can communicate with kids because I don’t try to communicate with kids. Ninety percent of the children’s books patronize the child and say there’s a difference between you and me, so you listen to this story. I, for some reason or another, don’t do that. I treat the child as an equal.”