“And will you succeed? Yes indeed, yes indeed! Ninety-eight and three-quarters percent guaranteed!”

“So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life's A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed) Kid, you'll move mountains.”

“And will you succeed?Yes! You will, indeed!(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!So...be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Brayor Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,you're off to Great Places!Today is your day!Your mountain is waiting.So...get on your way!”

“Human behavior, ninety-eight percent of it, is an abomination.”

“At some point you have to set aside snobbery and what you think is culture and recognize that any random episode of Friends is probably better, more uplifting for the human spirit, than ninety-nine percent of the poetry or drama or fiction or history every published. Think of that. Of course yes, Tolstoy and of course yes Keats and blah blah and yes indeed of course yes. But we're living in an age that has a tremendous richness of invention. And some of the most inventive people get no recognition at all. They get tons of money but not recognition as artists. Which is probably much healthier for them and better for their art.”

“Did you know that ninety-eight percent of statistics are made up on the spot?”