“Eating crappy food isn't a reward -- it's a punishment.”

“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”

“My mind was a mess back then as I drove across the country. I was driving to clear my head, and all I could do was obsess on my uncertain future. It's like you're at a crap game, and on your biggest roll, the dice go in slow motion. For months, you watch them spin and roll and bounce around, waiting for them to land so you know if you're awinner or a loser. Total limbo.”

“It isn`t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.”

“For God sake, quirky isn't something you date; it's something you make fun of until it totally loses it, runs to its bedroom, throws itself face down on its Barbie comforter, and sobs into its diary about how everyone's so mean.”

“If good stuff happened to us until we died it wouldn't be called Life. It would be called Great.”

“He who sells what isn't his'n, must buy it back or go to pris'n.”