“I am an evil Giraffe.”

“I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels and not fall over. Cause if a woman falls over wearing heels, that’s embarrassing. But if a bloke falls over wearing heels, you have to kill yourself. It’s the end of your life.”

“Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sin… I poked a badger with a spoon.”

“I want to live till I die. No more, no less.”

“I did it on a wing and a prayer, and even though I didn’t have enough confidence to do the show, I had a theory; if I assume I have the confidence, I’ll tell everyone I’m doing it, and then people will come and we’ll actually do it. Once we’ve done it, I’ll have the confidence to do it again. It was some sort of weird positive-thinking confidence mantra because I had to get there.”

“I like my coffee hot and strong. Like I like my women: hot and strong...with a spoon in them.”

“Your eyes flashed fire into my soul. I immediately read the words of Dostoyevsky and Karl Marx, and in the words of Albert Schweitzer, I FANCY YOU!”