“On every birthday, when I wake, I now take out the old Nagan, load it with one bullet, spin the chamber and pull the trigger with the barrel in my mouth. I've cheated death nine times. It is my greatest achievement. And three months to go to my next birthday. I can't wait.”

“I was nine minutes late for my last birthday party. And I was nine months on time for my first birthday.”

“Sometimes it's strange being me. I travel the world meeting people, I'm surrounded with friends and my life is full, but all the time I am confronted by a young man I have nothing in common with. He is me, but he is not me now. In fact I have been me now for longer than I was him, but no one wants to know about me.”

“My poem must expurgate my manhoodunveil the animality of the best of my being,reveal both the monster behind the friendly smileand the humanity of my most evil deeds;I shall undress the species to its pure nudity,relegate our vanity to the dustbin of time;I shall tell a new story.”

“Someone asked me today what we do about snow days. After all, we are homeschoolers, so we don't have to be bound by icy roads. Simply, here's what our family's thought on that is: I ask my children, "Would you rather be indoors doing schoolwork when it's nasty outside like it is today, or when it's sunny and 70F?" It works for us.”

“Back at the guest house I tried to acclimatise. A travel-worn adventurer had once told me that leaning with one's head dangling over the end of a bed was the best way to achieve this. It was while I was in this position, the blood rushing to my temples, that the door swung open.”

“At the dealership, I pulled out the sieve and toyed with it threateningly. When the salesman was ready for me, I held it up, told him I was not a tourist and demanded a large discount.”