“Humanity I love you because when you're hard up you pawn your intelligence to buy a drink.”

“Humanity i love youbecause you would rather black the boots ofsuccess than enquire whose soul dangles from hiswatch-chain which would be embarrassing for bothparties and because you unflinchingly applaud allsongs containing the words country home andmother when sung at the old howardHumanity i love you becausewhen you're hard up you pawn yourintelligence to buy a drink and whenyou're flush pride keeps you from the pawn shops andbecause you are continually committingnuisances but moreespecially in your own houseHumanity i love you because you are perpetually putting the secret oflife in your pants and forgettingit's there and sitting downon itand because you are forever making poems in the lapof death Humanityi hate you”

“Love is by definition an unmerited gift; being loved without meriting it is the very proof of real love. If a woman tells me: I love you because you're intelligent, because you're decent, because you buy me gifts, because you don't chase women, because you do the dishes, then I'm disappointed; such love seems a rather self-interested business. How much finer it is to hear: I'm crazy about you even though you're neither intelligent nor decent, even though you're a liar, an egotist, a bastard.”

“You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.”

“Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?”

“When you're up there hundreds of people will claim you as a friend. When you're down, you're lucky if one will buy you a cup of coffee.”