“What is wrong with you? ARe you the only guy in the universe who doesn't like a blow job?”

“I'm talking about a little truth-in-packaging here. To be perfectly frank, you don't quite look like yourself. And if you walk around looking like someone other than who you are, you could end up getting the wrong job, the wrong friends, who knows what-all. You could end up with somebody else's life."I shrugged again, and smiled. "This is my life," I said. "It doesn't seem like the wrong one.”

“Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job. (You're totally welcome, guys. P.S. Girls can't see this sentence!!!!!)”

“Hell if I know. That's for smart people like you to figure out. I'm just trying to get college guys to speed up their blow jobs.”

“Take what you see on TV, mix in a guy who's turned 30 and still doesn't have a job, throw in some Uncle Remus stories and add a few flies in amber and you have America.”

“It doesn't matter what you look like on the outside, because anyone who knows you knows what a great guy you are on the inside. You're honest and true.”