“What the fuck? My little girl is pregnant and no one fucking told me?”

“Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck”

“My little girl, oh, the daughter I never had. Now tell me, angel, are you fucking anybody new?”

“Fuck me. Fuck me for always getting into situations like this. Fuck me for caring. Fuck me for not knowing the words that would've made her stay. Fuck me for not knowing what I want. Fuck me for wavering. Fuck me for not kissing her back the right way. Fuck me for getting my hopes up. Fuck me for not having more realistic hopes. Fuck me for giving her my fucking jacket. Fuck.”

“That's what a shrink is for; friends and neighbors; their job is to fuck the mentally disturbed and make them pregnant with sanity.”

“It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Remember this, George, the birds fuck the bees.' Then he told me he once banged a girl so hard her freckles came off.”