“Procrastinate now, don't put it off.”

“Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution.Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.”

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.”

“I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?”

“I cannot believe they haven't yet come up with a better screening process than the mammogram. If a man had to put his special parts inside a clamp to test him for anything, I think they would come up with a new plan before the doctor finished saying, "Put that thing there so I can crush it.”

“That's what life is all about. There's a lot of crying. So you'd better cry now and get used to it.”

“And now I've got to explain the smell that was in there before I went in there. Does that ever happen to you? It's not your fault. You've held your breath, you just wanna get out, and now you open the door and you have to explain, 'Oh! Listen, there's an odor in there and I didn't do it. It's bad.”