“When you take risks you learn that there will be times when you succeed and there will be times when you fail, and both are equally important.”

“Answers to Frequently Asked Questions:Yes.Yes.No.One time in high school.Three times in my twenties.Rocks no salt.Yes.Four.Never. And how dare you!I will take no further questions.”

“Why is it that when you wipe up dust its called dusting but when you wipe up a spill its not called spilling? Just something to think about.”

“Way, way back in the day, like in the 1990s, if you wanted to tell everyone you ate waffles for breakfast, you couldn’t just go on the Internet and tweet it out. There was only one way to do it. You had to go outside and scream at the top of your lungs, 'I ate waffles for breakfast!' That’s why so many people ended up in institutions. They seemed crazy, but when you think about it, they were just ahead of their time.”

“You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's how it's spelled.”

“When life gives you lemons....they could really be oranges.”

“It makes a big difference in your life when you stay positive.”