“I've Got A Little ProblemAnd I'm not really sure how to fix it.Not really sure I need to. Not really sure I could.Life is pretty good. But once in a while, uninvited and uninitiated anger invades me.It starts, a tiny gnaw at the back of my brain. Like a migraine except without pain. They say headaches blossom, but this isn't so much a blooming as a bleeding. Irritation bleeds into rage, seethes into fury. An ulcer, emptying hatred inside me. And I don't know why. Life is pretty good.So, what the hell?”

“PrettyThat's what I am, I guess.I mean, people have been tellingme that's what I am sinceI was two. Maybe younger. Prettyas a picture. (Who wantsto be a cliché?) Pretty asan angel. (Can you see them?)Pretty as a butterfly. (But isn'tthat really just a glam bug?)Cliché, invisible, or insectlike,I grew up knowing I waspretty and believing everything goodabout me had to do with howI looked. The mirror was my bestfriend. Until it started telling me I wasn't really pretty enough.”

“I don't love him, & he definitely doesn't love me. Still, he semi-fills a gaping black hole inside me. That place wants love, maybe even needs love, but love is something I"m pretty sure doesn't exist.”

“Losing ItSome days I thinkI'm losing my mind.What seems so clearmost of the timebecomes a big question mark.Am I really the wayI percieve myself, oris the person others seethe truth of me? I wait foranswers, but inside I know I have to go outand find them. And answerslike knowledge, are not always where wefirst look for them.”

“I nod, because I do understand. I'm just not sure how to go about divorcing myself from the evil I've already accepted.”

“Later, Bishop Crandall dropped byThe house to give me a sternreprimand. He sat acrossthe cluttered table,playing with a paper clip.'Your parents are worries about you, Pattyn.'I was worried about myself.But I wasn't about to let himknow it. "Really?"'Really. What have you got to say for yourself? You've always been such a good girl.'Good girl. Sit. Stay. Fetch.Bristles rose up along my spine. "Define good."'I don't appreciate your attitude,Pattyn. Fast and pray. Search yoursoul for the inequities in your life.'"Any inequity in my lifebegan when I was bornfemale. Can you fix that?"'You'll have to fix that yourself,by concentrating on the thingsGod expects of you.'His two-faced rhetoric was pissing me off. "You mean like kissing your ass?"He slammed his hand on the table.'I will not listen to that sort of language. Apologize!'Behind me, I hear Momgasp. But I was on a roll."I'm sorry, BishopI'm sorry I ever believedyou might have somethingworthwhile to say.”

“How odd, to suddenly glimpse a facet of me I didn't know existed. I guess it really isn't all that unusual to surprise oneself with an ugly bit of ego.”