“The feeling I have reminds me of New Year’s Eve, when the countdown is coming and I’m not quite sure whether to grab my camera or just live in the moment. Usually I grab the camera and later regret it when the picture doesn’t turn out. Then I feel enormously let down and think to myself that the night would have been more fun if it didn’t mean quite so much, if I weren’t forced to analyze where I’ve been and where I’m going.”

“I hatethat moment when Aaron and I split – each time it happens, and ithappens a lot. He storms off, or I walk out on him and I have asplit second where I feel I’ve lost my grip, I’m falling off the edgeof the world, I’m yelling, “Help!” and no one hears me. I’m alone.But later, when you get a distance and you start to think it through,it feels like it might not be so bad.”

“I excused myself from the conversation, walked away, and stuck my hands in my jacket pockets. I had no drink. I didn’t fidget. I kept my head down and headed for the door. It wasn’t that far. I just had to get by some people who wouldn’t suspect a thing, because I didn’t know any of them. I didn’t have to grab my coat because it was still on my shoulders. If Shawn saw me, I would say I was just going for air or a smoke or something. I had been trying to quit, and he knew this, so maybe going out for air was a better excuse. Sure, it was probably eleven below, but it was crowded and he’d buy it because I’d made him believe that I’m shy. I could be out in the midnight winter chill and home within an hour. It would have been safe, and I would have been warm, and no Chinook would have hit me.”

“I’ve always been about pain. In fact, I’m quite incapable of writing anything else, nor would I want to. Where does it come from? Probably the life I’ve lived.”

“My biggest fear in life is to exist without living. I’m not quite sure what I mean by that but I’d rather die than just plod along without a map. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’ve got everything worked out. Admittedly I’m not sure where I’m going, but I’m determined to get there all the same.”

“Where was I last night? I don’t remember myself. I mean I remember me—I didn’t suffer from an out-of-body experience—but I myself don’t remember. I remember being there, but not where there was, or being a being—I just was—I was simply existing and I wasn’t focusing on is or how or why, and certainly not where or when. I hope this clarifies the issue for you. I think I’ve been more than helpful.”