“A movie playing on the TV screen in front of us. Some sort of bad Tom Cruise drama. I've never liked Tom Cruise. He always reminded me of someone's creepy cousin, who smiles too big before he touches your butt and whispers something gross in your ear with hot whiskey breath.”

“Tom Cruise isn't that big of a guy," my mom always says. I love how she tries to avoid using the word "short."Yeah," I tell her in return, "but he compensates by being Tom Cruise."Not that anyone really wants to BE Tom Cruise anymore now that he's a crazy couch jumper. But whatever.”

“Jennifer to Beth: Ech. I don't like Tom Cruise. Beth to Jennifer: Me neither. But I usually like Tom Cruise movies. Jennifer to Beth: Me too... Huh, maybe I do like Tom Cruise. But I hate feeling pressured to find him attractive. I don't.Beth to Jennifer: Nobody does. It's a lie perpetuated by the American media. Tom Cruise and Julia Roberts.Jennifer to Beth: Men don't like Julia Roberts?Beth to Jennifer: Nope. Her teeth scare them.Jennifer to Beth: Good to know.”

“I use to believe in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and Tom Cruise too.”

“Me, too...Huh, maybe I do like Tom Cruise. But I hate feeling pressured to find him attractive. I don't.”

“Colonel Mickelson looks like he could defend Fort Hamilton by himself if Staten Island ever declared war and invaded...If Jack Nicholson looked like this when he yelled that Tom Cruise couldn't handle the truth, Cruise would have said, "Yes, you're right, I'm sorry. My bad.”