“A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.”

“When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.”

“A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.”

“Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.”

“My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?”

“When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home.”

“As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her.”