“Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.”

“A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.”

“Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere”

“Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, 'No thank you' to desert that night. And for what?!”

“Of the little less than a million eligibles roaming around, 5 percent don't know their sign and don't even care. Another 5 percent are tied to their mothers by a food fixation. That leaves only 20 percent who are searching for a girl who will pick up their clothes, run their baths, burn her fingers shelling their three-minute eggs, run their errands, bear them a child every year, look like a fashion model, tend their needs when they are sick, and hold down a full-time job outside the home to make payments on their boat.”

“You show me a boy who brings a snake home to his mother and I'll show you an orphan.”

“Enter my first neighbor - a woman who spoke in complete, coherent sentences, who ate with a knife and fork and who only cried at weddings. I couldn't help myself. In a dramatic gesture, I bolted the door and threw my body across it to prevent her exit. She understood.”