“If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.”

“Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead. ”

“Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase.”

“The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.”

“...the words of young Ted Kennedy, Jr., who lost his leg to cancer. "People are taught we should look perfect," he said. "I wondered who would ever go out with a kid with one leg.”

“Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen Three. It takes one to say What light and two more to say I didn't turn it on.”

“In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.”