“I've exercised with women so thin, buzzards followed them to their cars.”

“There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.”

“Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.”

“Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.”

“In all honesty, men changed a few rules when they became what was referred to as househusbands. Bill didn't make beds, cook, dust, do laundry, windows or floors, or give birth. What he did do was pay bills, call people to fix the plumbing, handle the investments and taxes, volunteer big time, take papers to the garage, change license plates, get the cars serviced, and pick up the cleaning. If women had had that kind of schedule, who knows, we'd probably still be in the home.”

“It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows”

“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.”