“Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.”

“There was a time when the one singular thing that held a marriage together was the threat of getting the kids.”

“For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.”

“When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home.”

“I've exercised with women so thin, buzzards followed them to their cars.”

“Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.”

“When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.”