“I don't like to write like God. It is only because you never do it, though, that the critics think you can't do it.”

“You can't do extraordinary things in the world if you're spending time criticizing others because they don't look or behave the way you think they should.”

“If you don't like my book, write your own. If you don't think you can write a novel, that ought to tell you something. If you think you can, do. No excuses. If you still don't like my novel, find a book you do like. Life is too short to be miserable. If you do like my novels, I commend your good taste.”

“I'll do it. I said I would. And, though I can't deny I've never thought of doing something like that, it appeals to me simply because yo want it so badly. I can't seem to help myself. I want to please you. I love to please you.”

“<3. You think that looks like a heart? If you do, that's only because you've never seen scrotum.”

“I know he's dead! Don't you think I know that? I can still like him, though, can't I? Just because somebody's dead, you don't just stop liking them, for God's sake — especially if they were about a thousand times nicer than the people you know that're alive and all.”