“Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.”

“Throughout our history, humanity has been plagued with questions, and also plagued with regular plagues. I don't know much about biology, so I can't speak to actual plagues. However, I can answer all kinds of questions: moral, ethical, job-related, child rearing, party etiquette, romantic, technological, stuff about boobs, and my three faves: How do I have sex with someone and not talk to them again?, Can you hit a kid for a very, very good reason?, and of course How do you get a self-righteous asshole to shut the fuck up, even if they're right?”

“It's easy to sit on a mountaintop and tell people what to do and how to be happy. I have chosen to do that. Not because it's easy, but for a different reason, which I would reveal, if your mind was ready to handle it, which it isn't, which is also very convenient for me.”

“Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right. ”

“Over the years I've received thousands of e-mails looking for guidance. Some have real problems; some talk about monkeys and poo--though those people may also have real problems.”

“If things are really overwhelming and you need to talk, you can give me a call at 347-273-2044.”

“Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it's for losers and something that popular kids do because they are boring people with porcelain hearts who don't know what it means to be lonely. But you're wrong. Prom is a chance for everyone to try oral sex. Go for it. ”