“See the happy moron,He doesn't give a damn,I wish I were a moron,My God! perhaps I am!”

“...I am happy to welcome you to a town peopled in morons exclusively. Furthermore, I hope that your transformation to moron is not an unpleasant experience.”

“Anyway, I started bitching one night before the broadcast. Seymour'd told me to shine my shoes just as I was going out the door with Waker. I was furious. The studio audience were all morons, the announcer was a moron, the sponsors were morons, and I just damn well wasn't going to shine my shoes for them, I told Seymour. I said they couldn't see them anyway, where we sat. He said to shine them anyway. He said to shine them for the Fat Lady.”

“The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independance, but the government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.”

“Why am I surrounded by sluts and morons?”

“I was a moron-a complete moron. A loser of the highest caliber.”

“For alarmingly large chunks of an average day, I am a moron.”