“Walmart suddenly smells like a prosti-tot pageant.”

“I drink coffee sometimes, but Starbucks’ coffee tastes like burnt ass,” I say.“Actually, it tastes nothing like burnt ass, Anna.”“And how would you know what burnt ass tastes like?”He laughs. “That’s for me to know…and you to find out.”I’m not sure I want to find out, but whatever.”

“Air is like cable TV: you don't appreciate it until you don't have it.”

“I gaze into his gazing eyes gazingly like a gazelle gazing into another gazelle's gazing gaze.”

“Mr. Long Fingers. Mr. Womb-Ticklers”

“Take your finger out of your nose, Miss Steal.”

“Here’s the aisle with tape.”“Thank you, Miss Steal,” he says. He picks up the most expensive brand, which runs $3.99 a roll. This guy is a total baller.”