“Merlin, if you don't stop whining, I'm going to take Gwen's sword and beat you to death with it," said Arthur, evenly."It's plastic.""So it will take me a long time. I'm still game.”

“[Arthur to Merlin]I'm the Prince of Wales, and you're Welsh. I can do whatever I bloody well like to you.”

“[Arthur] "Er... Just how much did you have to drink?"Merlin frowned at Arthur... Both of him.”

“Good grief," said Merlin. "You look like the bastard child of Dumbledore and David Bowie. No, sorry, Dumbledore and Ziggy Stardust.”

“I don't think you're going to pull the wool over anyone's eyes with all this macrame talk.”

“You know you're having a crappy morning when the best that can be said for it is that at least you're not a Smurf.”

“I wouldn't want to fuck you if you had a ten inch knob made of gold and your arsehole was the gate to Nirvana. I can't be friends with you because you're a gibbering twatwaffle, not because I would ever, in a million years, want to shag you. Get over yourself!”