“Th' first thing to have in a libry is a shelf.Fr'm time to time this can be decorated with lithrachure.But th' shelf is th' main thing.”

“Th' newspaper does ivrything f'r us. It runs th' polis foorce an' th' banks, commands th' milishy, controls th' ligislachure, baptizes th' young, marries th' foolish, comforts th' afflicted, afflicts th' comfortable, buries th' dead an' roasts thim aftherward.”

“Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.”

“Trust everybody, but always cut the cards.”

“The Puritans gave thanks for being preserved from the Indians, and we give thanks for being preserved from the Puritans.”

“The world is not growing worse and it is not growing better -- it is just turning around as usual.”

“Stories are meant to comfort the afflicted, and afflict the comfortable.”