“After a time," said old Mathers disregarding me, "I mercifully perceived the errors of my ways and the unhappy destination I would reach unless I mended them. I retired from the world in order to try to comprehend it and to find out why it becomes more unsavoury as the years accumulate on a man's body. What do you think I discovered at the end of my meditations?"I felt pleased again. He was now questioning me."What?""That No is a better word than Yes," he replied.”

“Taryn Mitchell," he said, looking me in the eyes. "I love you. With all my heart."I felt all the blood rush from my body and surge right into my chest. All this time I waited for a man to say those words to me and mean it, and now I was hearing them from the one person I had hoped would say them. I gazed into his eyes and said what was in my heart. It was as easy and natural as breathing. "I love you too - more than anything in this world.”

“I have decided to live,” he said quietly.That, too, was obvious from the way he’d changed in the past year. I felt his gaze as he spoke, heavier than usual along my skin. He had been my friend, and now offered more. Was willing to try more. But I knew: he was not the sort of man who loved easily, or casually. If I wanted him, I would have all of him, and he wanted all of me. All or nothing; that was as fundamental to his nature as light itself.I tried to joke. “It took you a year to decide that?”“Ten, yes,” Shiny replied. “This last year was for you to decide.”

“To this I replied, "I still think that my body is not merely a sensory appearance, for surely it came from my parents, who were its cause and condition."He said, "If you think that your body came from your father and mother, then what are the beginning and end of these parents? What are their source, their location, their final destination? Tell me!"I answered, "I think that they exist, but I am not aware of what they are. It seems to me that a physical body without parents is not possible."He retorted, "Consider this. Who are the parents of the body in a dream, in the bardo, and in the hell realms?" With that, I arrived at the decision that this body has never existed, being simply a sensory experience.”

“No, hear me out. The long answer to that question is that everything about me has changed since meeting you. What I wanted five months ago is different from what I want today. Did I want a human body? Yes, very much. Is it my top priority now? No." He looked at me with serious eyes."I gave up something I wanted for something I need. And I need you, Angel. More than I think you'll ever know.”

“Would you do something for me? Please? Would you just picture your life for me? Thirty years from now, forty years from now? What's it look like? If it's with that guy, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I could do it again, if I thought it's what you really wanted.”