“Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.”

“If people don't want to listen to you, what makes you think they want to hear from your sweater?”

“If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater, suggest that he wear a tail.”

“I must take issue with the term 'a mere child,' for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.”

“Now, nature, as I am only too aware, has her enthusiasts, but on the whole, I am not to be counted among them. To put it bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.”

“To me the outdoors is what you must pass through in order to get from your apartment into a taxicab.”

“No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.”