“Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.”

“I believe in talking behind peoples' backs. That way, they hear it more than once.”

“The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.”

“It's much easier to write a solemn book than a funny book. It's harder to make people laugh than it is to make them cry. People are always on the verge of tears.”

“If people don't want to listen to you, what makes you think they want to hear from your sweater?”

“The girl in your class who suggests that this year the Drama Club put on The Bald Soprano will be a thorn in people's sides all of her life.”

“Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not possibly have met.”