“I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.”

“Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not possibly have met.”

“People have been cooking and eating for thousands of years, so if you are the very first to have thought of adding lime juice to scalloped potatoes try to understand there must be a reason for this.”

“In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. ”

“Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.”

“I prefer dead writers because you don't run into them at parties.”

“To me, nothing can be more important than giving children books, It's better to be giving books to children than drug treatment to them when they're 15 years old. Did it ever occur to anyone that if you put nice libraries in public schools you wouldn't have to put them in prisons?”