“If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater, suggest that he wear a tail.”

“If people don't want to listen to you, what makes you think they want to hear from your sweater?”

“The girl in your class who suggests that this year the Drama Club put on The Bald Soprano will be a thorn in people's sides all of her life.”

“As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.”

“Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.”

“To me the outdoors is what you must pass through in order to get from your apartment into a taxicab.”

“The most common error made in matters of appearance is the belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty of one’s soul shine through. If there are places on your body where this is a possibility, you are not attractive – you are leaking.”