“If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies.”

“Your life story would not make a good book. Don’t even try.”

“Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.”

“Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass. Your life story would not make a good book. Do not even try.”

“Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not possibly have met.”

“Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.”

“Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw. ”