“The most common error made in matters of appearance is the belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty of one’s soul shine through. If there are places on your body where this is a possibility, you are not attractive – you are leaking.”

“To me the outdoors is what you must pass through in order to get from your apartment into a taxicab.”

“All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.”

“I love sleep because it is both pleasant and safe to use. Pleasant because one is in the best possible company and safe because sleep is the consummate protection against the unseemliness that is the invariable consequence of being awake. What you don't know won't hurt you. Sleep is death without the responsibility.”

“Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not possibly have met.”

“Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass. Your life story would not make a good book. Do not even try.”

“As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.”