“Your life story would not make a good book. Don’t even try.”

“Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass. Your life story would not make a good book. Do not even try.”

“It's much easier to write a solemn book than a funny book. It's harder to make people laugh than it is to make them cry. People are always on the verge of tears.”

“If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies.”

“If people don't want to listen to you, what makes you think they want to hear from your sweater?”

“As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.”

“The girl in your class who suggests that this year the Drama Club put on The Bald Soprano will be a thorn in people's sides all of her life.”