“... I say and maintain, that of all torcheculs, arsewisps, bumfodders, tail-napkins, bunghole cleansers, and wipe-breeches, there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose ...”

“Readers, friends, if you turn these pagesPut your prejudice aside,For, really, there's nothing here that's outrageous,Nothing sick, or bad — or contagious.Not that I sit here glowing with prideFor my book: all you'll find is laughter:That's all the glory my heart is after,Seeing how sorrow eats you, defeats you.I'd rather write about laughing than crying,For laughter makes men human, and courageous.”

“...and also celebrate the Skill of the Scythians in that Art, who sent once to Darius King of Persia an Embassador that made him a present of a Bird, a Frog, a Mouse, and five Arrows, without speaking one word; and being ask'd what those Presents meant, and if he had Commission to say any thing, answer'd that he had not; Which puzzl'd and gravell'd Darius very much; till Gobrias, one of the seven Captains that had kil'd the Magi explain'd it, saying to Darius, By these Gifts and Offerings the Scythians silently tell you, that except the Persians like Birds fly up to Heaven, like Mice hide themselves near the Centre of the Earth, or like Frogs dive to the very bottom of Ponds and Lakes, they shall be destroyed by the Power and Arrows of the Scythians.”

“I have nothing, I owe a great deal, and the rest I leave to the poor.”

“I go to seek a Great Perhaps.”

“Science without conscience is the soul's perdition.”

“Bring down the curtain,the farce is played out.”