“Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff.”

“The only difference between a cult and a religion is the amount of real estate they own”“Stupidity has a certain charm - ignorance does not”“My best advice to anyone who wants to raise a happy, mentally healthy child is: Keep him or her as far away from a church as you can”“It would be easier to pay off the national debt overnight than to neutralize the long-range effects of our national stupidity”“Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff.”

“A mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work if it is not open.”

“All the good music has already been written by people with wigs and stuff.”

“I like to watch the news, because I don't like people very much and when you watch the news ... if you ever had an idea that people were really terrible, you could watch the news and know that you're right.”

“I think it's really tragic when people get serious about stuff. It's such an absurdity to take anything really seriously ... I make an honest attempt not to take anything seriously: I worked that attitude out about the time I was eighteen, I mean, what does it all mean when you get right down to it, what's the story here? Being alive is so weird.”

“lf you’re going to deal with reality, you’re going to have to make one big discovery: Reality is something that belongs to you as an individual. If you wanna grow up, which most people don’t, the thing to do is take responsibility for your own reality and deal with it on your own terms. Don’t expect that because you pay some money to somebody else or take a pledge or join a club or run down the street or wear a special bunch of clothes or play a certain sport or even drink Perrier water, it’s going to take care of everything for you.”