“All I know about humour is that I don't know anything about it.”

“Televisio is a vehicle that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.”

“Radio is called a medium because it is rare that anything is well done.”

“I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.”

“The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own hand. ”

“I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.”

“A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to be well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.”